I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
