Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
