somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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