His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
