now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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