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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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