youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
