Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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