did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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