he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
