I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
