omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
