eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
