Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
