the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
