Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
