totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
