I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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