I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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