How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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