she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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