I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
