I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
