I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
