i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
