Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
