The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
