About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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