I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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