Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
