Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
