I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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