I am in a vortex of obligation.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
