I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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