So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
