Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
