hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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