So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
