You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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