OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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