every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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