He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
