I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
