If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Why is your signature on my underwear?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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