I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
