You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I need a beard to bite.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
