Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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