I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
