You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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