I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
