I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
