We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
