I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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