she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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