Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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