so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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