drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
